Iowa State University, Class of 2009
Turns 40
Steven Sanda was born in a small fishing village off the coast of Maine, where he developed an early and profound fear of technology. To this day, he refuses to use any electronic device manufactured after 1987, communicating primarily through handwritten letters delivered by a network of trained carrier pigeons he calls "The Boys."
Notoriously shy, Steve has never once raised his voice above a whisper and is physically incapable of making eye contact. At social gatherings, he can typically be found hiding behind a large potted plant, silently mouthing the words to Gregorian chants. His therapist describes him as "aggressively conflict-avoidant" and "suspiciously normal."
Steve studied architecture at a correspondence school in rural Nebraska, where he developed his signature style: exclusively designing Tudor Revival strip malls and medieval-themed parking garages. He harbors a deep, almost spiritual hatred for curves—a conviction so profound he once published a 400-page manifesto titled "Circles Are Architecturally Immoral: A Treatise." He lives in a perfectly rectangular home with exactly 90-degree angles in every corner, which he measures daily with a laser level he calls "Gregory."
When not avoiding technology, Steve can be found in complete silence. In 1998, a young Steve attended a community theater production of Oklahoma! in which the lead actor suffered a fatal aneurysm mid-song during "Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'." Steve has not sung, hummed, or acknowledged that music exists since. He refuses to elaborate further.
Steve's relationship with cats is similarly complicated. In 2003, a stray tabby wandered into his childhood bedroom and knocked over a commemorative plate of Princess Diana, which fell and shattered his retainer, which he then accidentally swallowed, resulting in a three-day hospital stay. As a result, Steve has erected a small talisman above his front door to ward off any cats that would dare to enter his residence. He also wakes up every morning by shouting to the world: "I hate pussies!" His neighbors have filed seventeen complaints.
He is reportedly single and has described romantic relationships as "too logistically complex." His lifelong roommate Kyle helps him operate the single rotary phone in his home.
"I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died."
Iowa State University • Circa 2006
A dining hall. A tray. A declaration.
The year was 2006. The location: the Maple Willow Larch dining center. Outside, a storm of unprecedented ferocity raged against the windows—lightning splitting the Iowa sky like the judgment of an angry god. Inside, 237 students ate their meals in the flickering fluorescent light, unaware that they were about to witness something that would haunt their dreams forever.
Steve Sanda sat among them at a table with friends and acquaintances, appearing to all the world like an ordinary architecture student consuming an ordinary meal. The meatloaf was adequate. The mashed potatoes were, perhaps, slightly cold. Paul—an acquaintance, not a close friend, just a guy who sometimes sat at their table—was eating a bread roll and minding his own business. Nothing suggested the chaos to come.
And then—without warning, without provocation, without any discernible reason whatsoever—Steve slammed his tray down with the force of a man possessed. The sound echoed through the hall like a gunshot. Forks froze mid-air. Conversations died. 237 pairs of eyes turned to witness what would come next.
Steve rose to his feet. The fluorescent lights above him flickered dramatically (whether from the storm or the sheer audacity of the moment, no one can say). He drew a breath, pointed directly at Paul, and at full volume, bellowed:
"Paul! You're the worst boyfriend ever!"The silence that followed was absolute. Students exchanged confused glances. A freshman dropped her tray. Someone at the salad bar began to weep. A dining hall employee, who had been wiping down tables for 23 years without incident, quietly removed his apron and walked out the door, never to return.
Paul, for his part, simply looked up from his bread roll with the expression of a man who had just been informed that gravity was optional. He was not dating Steve. He had never dated Steve. He had, in fact, spoken perhaps twelve words to Steve in his entire life. And yet here he was, publicly denounced as the worst boyfriend ever in front of the entire Maple Willow Larch dining population.
And then, without another word, Steve turned and stormed out of the dining hall. The double doors swung dramatically behind him. He offered no explanation, no follow-up, no acknowledgment that anything unusual had occurred. He simply vanished into the storm, leaving 237 bewildered students and one deeply confused Paul in his wake.
Paul finished his bread roll in silence, staring into the middle distance. The dining hall employee never came back. The storm outside raged on.
Exhibit A
The Pepperoni Roll Incident
It started, as all great stories do, with a kidnapping. The girls from our floor abducted Steve and issued their demands: pepperoni rolls, or else.
Our response? We ordered the pepperoni rolls. We took photos of ourselves eating them. We sent those photos to Steve's captors with our compliments.
Their retaliation was swift and justified: they duct-taped Steve to a chair, blindfolded him, and placed him in the elevator to ride up and down for the amusement of the entire dorm.
We never did share those pepperoni rolls.
Foreshadowing
Church Halloween Event
For a church Halloween event, Steve decided to dress as Eve. The costume was simple: a white tank top, some strategically placed leaves, and absolutely zero shame.
In retrospect, the universe was trying to tell us something.
The costume was theologically accurate, technically.
Present Day • Des Moines
Some people mellow with age. Steve is not some people.
On multiple occasions—while shopping at Hy-Vee with his boyfriend Kyle—Steve has picked up the store's courtesy phone and broadcast the following message over the PA system:
"Grandma? Where are you, Grandma?"
And then he just... leaves. No explanation. No grandmother. Just chaos, delivered fresh to the grocery store.
Shut up baby, he knows it.
The Long Con
Steve picked me up from the airport. I started talking. He didn't say a word.
This was atypical for Steve. But I figured maybe he was tired, so I just... kept talking. And talking. The silence continued. So I kept filling it. For twenty minutes straight, I talked without pause, narrating my thoughts into the void while Steve drove in absolute silence.
I didn't know we were doing a bit. Steve knew. Steve had been planning something.
As we pulled into the parking area of the piano bar (a surprise destination), I noticed the sprinklers were on—angled, unfortunately, toward the street. Before I could react, Steve rolled down my window, hit the child lock, and drove slowly past the sprinkler.
I got absolutely soaked. Steve said nothing. He just parked the car.
Twenty minutes of commitment to the bit. That's the Steve Sanda guarantee.
Configure Steve's smart home system. Follow the correct sequence. (Spoiler: There is no correct sequence.)
Attempts: 0 | Successful Activations: 0
From Your College Roommate
Steve, you are "my college roommate." In a weird way, I've always thought that phrase was kind of special. Even with all the friendships we've had, ours has always been special to me. You've been an incredibly supportive friend in my darkest times. You are so creative and thoughtful and considerate. Being friends with you has been a true blessing in my life.
I have many stories I could say or tell, but I thought this site would be more fun.
I don't really have the words to tell you what you mean to me. You feel closer to family than friend, and I find it difficult sometimes to think of the best words to convey appreciation for family. They're reliable, they're there, always.
I'm grateful to have known you, I'm so happy that you have found Home Assistant as your life partner, and Kyle as your sex partner. I hope this brought you some joy.
β John
"When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all."
β God Entity, Futurama